#not being able to feel a certain way about people when i'm really the only person that can Fully get myself in the first place

[organic-bloodbath]

Can you do a part three for Teach Ddakji to me plz

Teach Ddakji to me - Part 3

The Salesman x American!Reader

Summary: A stranger leads you towards unfolding the secrets of the man you've fallen in love with.

A/N: My people has been begging and i shall serve. Once again, i do not know what the hell i'm writing so i'm just vibing.

Part 1 - Part 2

♡♡

"I can explain," he said, putting the glasses and bottle on a side table. You kept holding the gun with your fingers.

"Yes?"

"It's only for protection, i promise," he insisted. "And it's not loaded."

You were silent, not sure exactly what to do or say.

He sighed. "When my dad was shot, i sort of got a gun to feel safer. He was killed in his own home, so getting a gun meant i could defend myself if anyone came here and tried to harm me as well."

You looked at him suspiciously, narrowing your eyes.

"I haven't used it, i swear," he promised, taking a step closer to you. You let out a sigh.

"Okay," you mumbled and shook your head. "Well, okay, i suppose."

He slowly put his hand on yours, grabbing the gun from your hold. You eventually let go of it and let him have it back.

"I can take it elsewhere if you're more comfortable then," he offered, afraid this was going to scare you away. You nodded and he went to take it to another room where you wouldn't have any business walking into.

You had never been a fan of guns. You knew people in the U.S. who had a gun at their homes but your family had never been one of those, as far as you were aware of.

You did feel bad and had sympathy for him the longer you thought about it. You couldn't imagine how bad trauma you would have if your own father was murdered, you didn't think you would be able to live anymore. You couldn't blame him for having sleepless nights and afraid for his own safety after that.

To be honest, if that happened to you, you would have gotten some sort of weapon into your home too, just in case someone would come after you too.

Soon he came back, a nervous look on his face now when he approached you slowly.

"Hopefully that didn't ruin the night?" he asked carefully and stepped in front of you.

"Do you have others in your house?" you asked. "Or like, anywhere?"

"That's the only one," he immediately swore.

He put his hand on your cheek and pushed a strand of your hair behind your ear. His warm touch always managed to relax and calm you down, forget all the worries in the world for a moment. He looked at you with all his love and kindness in his eyes, and you knew you could trust him.

"Let's grab the wine, hm?"

"Okay."

♡♡

He was meant to keep his work a secret from you. You couldn't find out about what he really did, no. You would instantly leave him, that was for sure, and he didn't want to think about that possibility. He only had to come up with more and more lies - but for how long? How long could he really keep up this facade around you? He had turned his back away from you for only one moment at his house and you already managed to find one of his guns.

Or would you leave him? Would you be okay with it after all? It would be so much easier to be able to explain everything to you. But he also knew he had to keep the games secret from any outsiders who wouldn't take a part in the game.

The look on your face haunted his mind the next day as well. You had looked at him in a way like you didn't know who you were dating after all.

And for the most parts, you didn't.

The look on your face had told him loud enough that he couldn't tell you about his true self – not now or in a long time.

Along with that, he had felt someone watching him outside. He wasn't sure who it could be, but he was certain that he was being followed by someone and he didn't like that feeling at all.

He had to find out who was trying to shadow him.

♡♡

The three of you were supposed to go for a dinner together soon, but your brother had to cancel last minute and changed the plans for tomorrow, making you frustrated.

"I'm so sorry, something came up," he had texted. "Let's meet up tomorrow, okay?"

There was always something that 'came up' when you tried to make plans with him. You tried to question what he meant but he wouldn't tell you, preferring to stay all secretive to his sister.

As you were driving home in the car your friend had borrowed you to use for a week, you were falling into your thoughts a little too hard, not paying as much attention to your surroundings as a good and responsible driver should have. Sooner than you realised, you were stopped by a traffic cop and had to pull over.

You saw a man look at you through the window, motioning you to roll your window down.

He said something in Korean to you which you couldn't really understand. He switched to English as he figured you were a foreigner.

"License, please?"

You grabbed it from your purse and handed it to the man.

"You were speeding a little," he stated.

"I know, i'm really sorry, i wasn't thinking."

"I'll have to write you a ticket, miss," he said seriously.

"I know," you sighed and closed your eyes, laying your forehead against your hand. "I really am sorry, i didn't mean to."

"Are you feeling alright?" the cop asked, a hint of worry in his voice – but only a little bit.

"Yeah, yeah, no problem."

Truth to be told, you weren't entirely fine. You had slept only couple of hours and had drank almost an entire a bottle of wine last night. You weren't really hangover right now, just suffered from a bad headache, for which a painkiller hadn't helped.

"Are you sure you're able to drive further?" he tried to confirm, unsure if he should just let you go with the ticket without questioning you further.

"I'm sure," you said but didn't sound believable even to your own ears.

"Could you step out of the car, please?"

You let out a deep breath and opened the door, stepping outside. He stood right in front of you, trapping you between himself and the car. He pulled a small flashlight from his pocket.

"Follow the light with your eyes."

You did as you were told, trying to act as cool as possible. You had been only once before pulled over on the road by a cop and that had been in America. You hadn't been sure if the protocols in Korea would be the same.

He turned the flashlight off and put it back into his pocket.

"Alright, you can go now," he nodded. Thank god he didn't actually believe you had been drunk driving.

Looking at his face closer, you could see that he was young and very handsome. If you weren't in a relationship and would have met him somewhere more... relaxed environment, you could imagine yourself starting a nice chat with him.

"Thank you, officer," you said politely in Korean before stepping back into the driver's seat, slipping the ticket into your purse. You tried to make atleast a little better impression with your poor Korean skills but weren't sure how correct the pronunciation really was.

"Have a good day, miss. And do pay your ticket on time."

♡♡

"Had a fun and eventful night with your man, i hope?" your roommate asked, one eyebrow up and teeth biting her lip to hide her smirk, failing on the simple task.

"Sure did," you answered and managed to make yourself smile. You wouldn't mention the gun part of the night to her, trying to brush the entire thing off your mind. "How about you? Found a hot guy at the club?"

"Oh, i definitely did," she answered. "He's some sort of a rapper, i think, though i had never heard of him. He gave me his phone number if we should catch up again some other day."

"Mhm, he gonna take you on a date?"

"Oh god no, all i want is to get into a bed with him again. He knows what he's doing," she stated seriously. "Besides, romantically i'm into more mature men, like that your hottie. Unfortunately you can't really find those men at the clubs where people our age go to."

Your roommate had met him a few times, but rather quickly, they hadn't had the chance to actually get to know each other since you didn't really bring him inside your apartment longer than a few minutes when he would come pick you up or bring you back home. But when he had met your roommate, he had acted as the most charming version of himself, like a man would act around a girl's parents when he'd meet them for the first time.

♡♡

"Okay, darling, i need to go to work for a few hours now to settle a few things," he said later that day as you were walking on the street together, his hand holding yours. He leaned down to kiss you on your lips.

"Come pick me up afterwards?" you asked with a smile.

"Of course, see you then," he smiled, pressing one more kiss on your lips, and turned his back to you, disappearing behind the next corner.

You took your phone from your pocket and was browsing a song on Spotify to listen to, until a man stopped you, stepping in front of you.

"Excuse me," the man said, making you turn around to face him. "You were with a man just a moment ago, dressed in a suit, right?"

"Um," you started, brows furrowed in confusion. "What's this about?"

"You were with a man in a suit?"

"Yes, but i-"

"Listen, i really need to find him. He's uh... a colleague of mine," he explained. "And i need to see him as soon as possible."

"Why do you need to see him?"

"We have some business to do. Work related," he quickly answered.

"Don't you have his phone number? Work phone or something?"

"I got a new phone and lost it."

"Just call to your workplace, maybe they can-"

"I don't have the time right now," he said, startling you with the tone of his voice. He noticed it and lowered his voice a little, not meaning to freak you out. "Could you just point the way, please?"

"Well, he didn't really say where he was going. Only that he had to go to work. Can't you meet him there?"

You narrowed your eyes, you could tell he acted very suspiciously. Did this man really know him? He had sounded so hesitant when telling how he knew him. Usually you weren't able to tell very easily when someone was lying to you, but right now even you could tell his behavior and reactions were too odd.

Besides, this guy was complete opposite than the man you knew, by the looks of him atleast. If they worked together and were on their way to work, you'd imagine this stranger would wear a suit too or something similar and cleaner.

♡♡

Gi-hun could tell that you were completely oblivious about the Recruiter or otherwise you were just a good actress to hide his secrets, refusing to tell his location. But you had looked completely lost with Gi-hun's approach to you and the talk about the man's work.

To be fair, he did probably look like a crazy person so he couldn't exactly blame you for not giving the information he so desperately needed.

Gi-hun hadn't thought about the Recruiter's private life, of course not, so it was strange to see a woman kiss him and hold his hand. He always seemed like only a pawn in this sick game to other people, since Gi-hun didn't even know his name either. The Recruiter always wore that same suit too, he felt like some sort of a default character in a game who had no proper development.

Which he basically was.

Gi-hun had lost his contact to the men he had hired to track down this man, until finally, his phone rang again.

♡♡

Of course you had grown too curious and suspicious about this stranger that you had to follow him wherever he was going.

Was it a good idea? Probably not, but you were still going to do it. It slowly started to rain, and of course you didn't carry an umbrella with you.

The man got a phone call, but you couldn't fully understand what he was saying since he spoke in Korean. You had studied Korean the best you could during the months you had been here and a little before you left America, but you couldn't translate complete conversations in your mind in just a few seconds. But you could hear some familiar words in the man's speech here and there. You could have probably understood more if he talked more slowly.

Where?

What?

Hotel?

Four?

The tone of his voice sounded panicked and rushed too, even more making you curious.

After a while he finished the call and put his phone back into his pocket. He started walking fast around the corner, soon starting to move faster and faster.

You quickly ran after him. You tried to make sure that he wouldn't see you if he happened to glance back over his shoulder, but you also couldn't lose the sight of him. You weren't exactly the fastest runner and would be out of breath soon, but luckily the distance to the destination wasn't too large.

Eventually, you ended up by a building, a hotel or hostel of some sorts. He went to the back of the building through a side alley, not entering through the front doors, which seemed to be locked by chains.

When you entered the hotel inside, you had lost the man, but you knew for sure that he had arrived here as well, right before you, so he couldn't be very far.

There was nobody else around, the place was totally empty, most of the lights were out and there were no sounds around you, forcing you to tiptoe even quieter not to make yourself known to anyone else possibly here. You didn't want a guard to find you trespassing, if there was one.

You started walking up the stairs, slowly and as quietly as possible, heart racing so fast you were afraid someone could hear it if they stood too close to you. You unintentionally held your breath as well out of this thick suspense what was going on.

Maybe this was completely unrelated to the man you loved. Maybe something else had come up with him and you were following a stranger somewhere private like a creep. Would this end up being a trap of some sorts?

Then, you heard speech somewhere in the fourth floor and walked towards the noise with even slower steps.

You were approaching one of the rooms where you heard two men talking to each other now much more clearly – the walls of this building seemed to be as thin as paper, since you had heard them already further away.

But then you noticed that the door wasn't closed, so you could easily open it without a sound and peek inside the room.

Two men were sitting at a table on the opposite sides, facing each other. It was that same man who had stopped you on the street. Your eyes widened on what you were witnessing right now.

He had a gun in his hand. It wasn't the same revolver which you had seen in his house.

"I used to work at the game too," he explained to the man with a calm voice. "Clearing and burning countless of bodies of people like you. I remember thinking: 'These things aren't human. They're just trash, they have no purpose in this world.' That's what i kept telling myself for a few years. One day they gave me a gun. I liked the way it felt. It was like someone had finally acknowledged my existence." He leaned back in his chair. "I don't know what year it was, but there was a man who lost, and i went over to shoot him. I recognised his face. Guess who it was?" He now leaned towards the man opposite him, his voice turning into a mere whisper, and you weren't sure if you heard it correctly or just imagined it. "My dad." You noticed a small smile lingering on his lips. "I was pointing the weapon at my very own father. And he begged me, tears in his eyes, to spare his life. You know what i did?" In under a second he lifted the gun and pointed it right towards the other man's face, who didn't even flinch. "I shot him right in the middle of his forehead and i realised: 'Huh, i guess i really am good at this'."

Your blood ran cold and all you wanted to do was to run away, but your legs refused to move at all. They shared a few more words but you couldn't concentrate on their conversation anymore. You felt like you weren't able to breathe. The ground beneath your feet was slowly failing you.

The next time you looked towards them, he pressed the gun on the man's forehead again, now actually pulling the trigger, making you slightly jump from the noise.

You were frozen on your place. What the hell were you supposed to do in this situation? Run away, confront them or call someone for help?

But as he moved the gun towards himself, inserting the gun deep inside his mouth, a playful smirk on his face, you had to act.

You tried to say something as you stepped towards the table from the shadows, finally able to make yourself move before he would be able to pull the trigger, but you couldn't get a word out of your mouth.

He let the gun slowly fall out of his mouth and his entire face turned pale like a ghost as he realised who had joined their little game. When his eyes met yours, you noticed something red on his cheek, and you instantly thought of it being someone else's blood, the same red splattered on the collar of his white shirt.

"Y/N? What are you doing here?"

This was the man who you had fallen in love with. A man who took you on sweet dates, took you into his warm embrace as you slept with him in the same bed, kissed you both softly and with passion... a man who opened up to you about his father's death and how someone had murdered him coldblood.

The murderer had been him all along. How could you be so naive and dumb? Had there been red flags which you had just missed?

Other than the damn gun at his house.

But now there sat only a man just couple of metres away from you who had just confessed on shooting his own father with his own gun. Pulling the trigger himself. And he had told it with a smile on his face.

He had lied to you this entire time. You wanted to shout and yell at him, then run away, but you couldn't move your body. Until he stood up.

Instantly, without hesitation you took a step back as he took one towards you, which made his heart break.

♡♡

A/N: I'm not sorry about the ending 🙂‍↔️ the last scene is obviously not 100% accurate to the show. Next part will take a while too so be patient with me 🫶🏻 if you want to be added or stay on the taglist, lmk.

Tags:

@k1ra-park3r

@aftersnrise

@sakurayashiro

@zmbiefiend

@preppyfella

[yimpysdiner]

Ridiculously long analysis of Jimmy's dialogue (PART 2)

PART 1 HERE Continuing with the next section,

Mimicking?

The whole ordeal of Jimmy copying Curly's "yeah?" in speech has already been pointed out, but there's something else I wanted to look into. This section is gonna be relatively short but this interaction still sticks with me. It's fairly easy to miss as you can brush it off but given Jimmy often repeats words or phrases from those around him I find it interesting.

This interaction was so awkward that it has me thinking about it over and over so honestly this may be one big nothing burger and more so headcanon territory but hear me out.

Jimmy gets quiet here as either 1, he expects them all to die on that ship as he said before crashing it or 2, he's terrified of any sort of attention their whole ordeal may get if they survive. The awkward silence is only filled by him commenting on ladies. Daisuke is no stranger to talking about "beach babes" and as Swansea puts it, "thinking with his downstairs long-nose." Honestly, Jimmy is a scumbag and gross around women, but I don't think this is the sort of situation where he cares to be impressing any ladies. This reads to me as him trying to "fit in" with Daisuke in a way. The way he often mimics people and says things they'd relate to defuse situations and get on their good sides feels like a form of masking. I'm no professional, no idea what in specific this would be, but Jimmy strikes me as the kind of guy who finds it really difficult to positively navigate a lot of social situations, especially if he feels uneasy like he was here. This parts super rambly sorry, this is just something interesting about him to me, how he'll latch on to other people's personality traits and mirror them.

Lashing out

We all already know Jimmy's not a very stable guy, very small things irritate him, he has levels to his anger however.

His base line irritation is just little remarks like this, things that you would scratch your head at but they're small so you can't quite bring them up. It's not completely aggressive, but it's definitely not very friendly either

I won't shove all the same screenshots of him lashing out during the birthday party here, but there he only lashes out in front of everyone else when he's able to make it seem like he's in the right. He insults everyone to their faces, but he's able to pin all the blame on Curly, letting out his anger while also in some sort of way getting people on his "side." Here he's *already* sewing seeds of doubt about Curly into the other's mind, so his little plan to blame Curly for the crash later on only works out all the more in his favor.

Then there's moments like when he's giving Curly his pills. He isn't exactly yelling, more so going on with his angry, paranoid rambles. This of course is followed by the implication he beats Curly while feeding him his painkillers, physically taking out his anger on someone who can't fight back. Side note, the only times he ever gets physical is when they're in a position of being unable to fight back (drugging Swansea, the implied drugging of Anya, and of course when Curly is left defenseless.)

I believe this is the first instance of Jimmy actually full on yelling while having one of his tantrums, which is why I say his anger is written in levels. It's not all one flat base of him cussing like a sailor and screaming his head off, remembering this and *what* exactly makes him tick helps me when deciding how I should write him reacting to certain situations. There's other instances where he's clearly panicked and flustered, stuttering and rambling because of high stress situations such as when Daisuke is on the brink of death and it's all his fault, which we'll get to later.

Hopelessness

Something I noticed when going back through everything is Jimmy seems completely and utterly hopeless about everything in his life. It starts out in the cockpit scene, one of the very few times he's genuinely vulnerable.

This line initially just seems like Jimmy is some power tripping guy who likes being the right hand man to the Captain, which is entirely possible (and true, given how quick he is to assume the Captains role himself), but it leads me to suspect something else as well.

These are out of order, but I think like this is better demonstrates Jimmy has never really felt the sense of control over his life like he has until he got this gig with Curly. He feels comfortable like this, which is why Curly wanting to "throw it all away" in his eyes baffles him. I really wish the devs gave some insight to what Jimmy's life on Earth was, why *he* ran from it all to assume a position where he felt he was finally in the drivers seat.

When Jimmy is faced with the reality of what he's done, his first worry is when he gets back home, he'll be caged in the same position he was, back at square one with no control over his life, rotting in a prison. Even if he did get out, as he said, none of it will matter, not with an assault on his permanent record. Maybe he held onto hope that he and Curly would find something new to do, but because he made the choice to force himself on Anya, that'll never happen. His knee jerk reaction to that? Kill himself. Kill himself and take everyone down with him, because if he's not in control, he may as well be dead. "The Tulpar crew was never found."

Remorse

Jimmy isn't entirely uncaring for what he's done. He suffers delusions for each and every one of the people he fucked over, all except Anya. Instead, he sees visions of the child he created, the ever looming reminder of what he did, no matter how hard he tried to block out Anya from his mind, it will always, always haunt him. Him crying to Curly and pleading forgiveness from someone who can't properly give it to him anymore is already a sort of in your face scene, that and the scenes with the horse delusions.

I want to talk about Daisuke and Swansea actually, as he had a much more direct role in their ends. In his mind he can say, oh, Curly ran in and did that to himself, oh, Anya swallowed those pills and did that to herself. It's Daisuke and Swansea who show up more broadly as themselves in his delusions as he was the sole reason for their passing. As Daisuke is dying, he is incredibly distressed the entire time.

Daisuke being so prominent in his mind has always struck me as interesting, seeing him in the vent, a grave, in the graveyard, all the flowers, the real genuine panic when trying to fix what he did. He never wanted him to die, he obviously feels immense guilt in making him crawl through that vent.

As for Swansea, Swansea can read him like a book, and he lets Jimmy know exactly what he thinks of him before he's shot and killed. He appears in the graveyard with Jimmy, also leaving a lasting impact on Jimmy's psyche.

To say Jimmy feels nothing over what he's done, or that he wouldn't care about people dying or anything like that is wrong on so many levels when the entire last half of the game focuses on him having to literally fight his own demons. It all culminates into him saying he fixed everything, deluding himself into being a hero as some sort of final comfort to his broken mind before he offs himself, "saving" Curly after dismembering him as if that makes up for all his wrongdoings. Jimmy is so layered and interesting and human, and that's what makes him a fantastically written character. It's what allows you to see yourself in him and reflect, see those insecurities he harbors, those toxic traits he exhibits, every little ugly part of him meant to be a mirror to your own actions. Denying him his humanity and making him an emotionless, aggressive, constantly angry person strips him of everything he's meant to be.

Sorry for the huuuuge yapsesh, but I thought going over these would be fun, it also helps me keep my characterization of him as accurate as I can possibly make it. If you have any thoughts let me know!!! I am very very invested in him and I love to hear what others think of him, even if I may agree or disagree.

[dark-lord-of-awesomeness]

I was inspired to write this scene in dialogue script format. The Sea Grunk Twins maybe feel a bit too open and being able to communicate, especially Stan. But let's assume it's been several months since Weirdmageddon and they've actually been working with therapists.

Plus being faced with their counterparts struggling over several days maybe got them talking and reflecting some more. Witnessing the obvious emotional constipation from the outside is painful. The obvious differences about their lifes help, too. And it's not like they talk much about their own issues.

--

Carla: Please tell me it won't take these two knuckleheads almost 30 years being able to ask for hugs!

Sea Grunk Stanley: Carla, we're one of the worst versions you could ask for help about this.

Sea Grunk Stanford: If only because an accident led me to 30 years being lost in the multiverse until Lee saved me. Not to mention the extreme circumstances that led to our reconciliation.

SG Stanley: Your Standford and Stanley are way ahead us in several ways compared to when us old coots met again. Both times.

SG Stanford: I assume that our histories were identical until a certain point, that being when- A witch you said? When the witch cursed the younger Stanley. But even if you discount that detail-

SG Stanley: Moses, I wish I could.

SG Stanford: Hush, we all know you're not really bothered by that. Um, going back. Our respective lifes have diverged immensely from each other. We just don't know what will happen or what they need because we can't compare the two situations.

We're still playing catch-up with dealing with our own trauma, lacking communication, and having been separated for that long without almost anybody else supporting us.

SG Stanley: And you know some of the fucked up stuff around the history that probably's the same.

Carla: I made some guesses about the things the twins let slip about their childhood and adolescence. And their twenties.

SG Stanley: It was... probably even worse than you already heard. It makes that sappy intimacy and being vulnerable stuff even more terrifying. The two need to relearn each other. Need to unlearn some deep-rooted shit rotting away in their minds.

SG Stanford: A lot of it was planted there by other people. Which doesn't change that it's unfortunately tangled with their bond and feelings about each other on top of everything else. We would know.

SG Stanley: But! Not all of it is bad!

SG Stanford: Lee's right. You said that they're way ahead of us in some ways, compared to us when we were their age.

SG Stanley: Actually talking with and listening to each other. *beat* Well, some listening, and some telling each other important things.

SG Stanford: Having an actual support system outside of their immediate family, with healthy relationships. More than one person who can comfort them or call them out on their shit. Who they can rely on, and who can rely on them.

SG Stanley: I repeat, I'll deny having said any of this sappy stuff later if asked.

Carla + SG Stanford: But we won't let you forget! :)

SG Stanley: Shut up, I'm denying. So. Having real friends and family-who-are-also-friends has helped us the most. There, I said it. And now I'm denying I said it.

SG Stanford: That, and therapy. But yes. Not being on our own anymore has made it possible even getting to this point.

Carla: So you're saying that they need time to figure it out, but that they will eventually. *sigh*

SG Stanford: Well, not only that. I'm actually worried about a trend you've mentioned. They're the most comfortable hugging each other and showing affectionate behavior when the other was hurt or in danger?

SG Stanley: I swear, if they start any bad habits over that, I'm going to tie them together and sit on them until they've talked things out. Properly!

Carla:

SG Stanley:

SG Stanford:

SG Stanley:

Carla:

SG Stanford: Carla.

SG Stanley: I'm getting the rope-

Carla: Don't you dare!

[It's about the Cat Stan Twins having the same desire (protect their brother) and same issue (if I can't even protect him, what worth am I? / he's more important than me / self-worth) putting them into conflict.]

This is so good. And Carla's the perfect person for them to talk to about it.

Because their lives are so different, they can't know for sure how the cat Stan's will turn out. We know they'll figure out how to talk communicate with each other, but at this point in time that's hard to see. Especially since their friends have to help them along and watch all their painful attempts.

I love this. Acknowledging how they can't know for sure, but pointing out how well the younger twins are doing compared to where they were at at that age. Then SG Stan wanting to hurry the process along lol.

[the-rebel-archivist]

I also think that he was using her and that there was no love lost for her on his end... but that there was also a twisted admiration at some point, a thing that drew him to her. It's complicated and bound up in complete and utter disgust. I also think that once Lucanis returned Illario's disdain turned to real hatred, but that he was stuck at that point; killing her took care of multiple problems at once.

I tend to think that at the beginning, when he first started to really woo her (which I'm certain he went all out on, wined and dined the pants off of her, probably even wrote her sonnets, while he absolutely disdained her and her cause because he doesn't think any political or moral cause is worth that dedication), he did come to admire that she never took no for an answer. When she wanted something, she took it. Nothing could stand in her way. That attitude helped to embolden him for what he wanted to do, he wanted to be First Talon and he was determined to overcome any obstacle to do that.

I'm sure he even felt guilty sometimes that in of all of his disdain and disgust for her, he didn't hate her nearly as much as he probably should have. There was something at that point that he also got out of that relationship, though it wasn't love or care or any sort of soft emotion; it was mutually beneficial... toward his negative arc. I don't think that even Illario could have kept up a completely one sided relationship as manipulation for over a year unless there was something no matter how small that he was getting out of it on a personal level. I also do think that Zara actually cared; her pride and ego were flattered and she is deeply insecure (people happy with who they are don't blood magic away their age and imperfections) and I suspect that there aren't a lot of people who can even pretend that they truly like her so she was an easy mark.

It's made even more complicated by the fact that she is the only person he can speak to of his ambitions. That's no small thing, being able to not have to keep it contained always. During Murder of Crows, you find a half burned letter in his fireplace that reads

—patience, Amatus. More glory will come to you.

He's discussed his impatience, then, and what he feels like he's owed. But the letter is torn and burnt; this could be because he wanted to hide evidence, but I don't think it is. He thought the villa was well enough guarded to leave Caterina, he wouldn't have worried about his room. He could also have burned it to erase all trace of her because he cared about her and she was dead, but I think that's an easily dismissed idea that doesn't fit with any other details or his attitude in general. This is the guy who heard the news of the guard captain in TWJ being dead and thought great, obligation to meet her later dodged.

No, I think that it's an indication that he is at this point so completely done with Zara. It's been a whole year. He's tired of keeping up this charade. And she broke her side of the deal and left his cousin to a fate he did not want. He wanted him to die cleanly. That one benefit that he had with her, the ability to talk openly about his plans, he no longer has. He had to act the lover while absolutely despising her and he had to do it long term. It's not just that it turned out that she had not done the main thing he needed her to do - he has some family pride and what she did was an insult against not just Lucanis but him himself.

All that he was left with was hatred and disdain. Killing her was not just tying up a loose end and saving his own skin, it was freeing himself from a manipulation that had become a burden and only serving one party. It's amazing that he even managed to wait until that moment to strike. I wonder how many times and in how many ways he had thought about assassinating her. I'm sure he started before he even met her.

What are your personal headcanons about Illario's feelings towards Zara Renata? Attraction? Some care or none? Purely a tool for his ambitions? Hatred or disgust at her hunting his beloathed/beloved cousin? (Curious since Illario/Zara seems to be a talking point on the TL at the moment.)

I do think she was just a tool. I'm of the mind that she was a pawn... probably disgust because he seems SO un-fond of Venatori in the wigmaker job that turns to hatred when he realizes what she did to Lucanis--she tortured him, Othered him, made him into a Demon. Illario would've killed him quickly but couldn't bring himself to do it. Oh, he hates her, to me. She was a tool and a pawn for his ambitions.

I do think that she might have been genuinely fond of him? Based on dialogue she has. She did call him amatus. Open for debate but I'm of that mind as well.

[bunnyboy-juice]

honestly. being able to be honest with my loved ones about when i am Mentally Unwell but also Dont Want To Talk About It has done wonders for my mental health

[khywren]

it's time for some more astarion analysis~

making this a separate post in case people wanted to reblog just the gifs on their own and don't care about the extra fluff. i'm certain this scene has been analyzed to the hells and back by this point, but when i was making this set something really stuck out to me and i wanted to throw my two cents in anyway.

this is the tail end of the mirror scene from act 1, where you catch astarion looking in the mirror and lamenting about not being able to see his reflection or knowing what he looks like anymore. and while that alone is sad enough, it gets SO MUCH WORSE.

if you express genuine interest in his predicament (i.e. asking him if he misses his reflection and what color his eyes were before he was turned), you get to see the mask slip. it's one of the first times in the game that he's not hiding behind his quick wit and silver tongue.

if you tell him you'll be his mirror, you can see the change in his demeanor immediately. his face softens, the cadence of his voice changes; you can literally hear the vulnerability in every word he says. huge props to neil and the rest of larian for making the distinction between these dialogue options, of course. it's the little details that really make moments like these shine.

but there was something else i noticed in the footage i recorded as well that i hadn't picked up on any of my other playthroughs. i've spent a lot of time staring at this man's face, especially while capturing idle animations for gifs and wallpapers, and most of the time it's what you'd expect, with minimal face movement, expressions changing, etc. most companions i record seem to behave the same way, with similar expressions/blinking/eye movement.

but just look at astarion's face here. this feels deliberately unique. he is SO anxious, so worried how you'll perceive him. the rapid blinking, the nervous darting of his eyes… it genuinely breaks my heart.

(tumblr will only let me upload one video per post, but just look at any other idle footage of him and you'll see the difference)

and the second you tell him what he thinks he wants to hear? that he's very attractive? he slips right back into his suave, flirtatious persona, and even praises you for complimenting his looks. even if you eventually ask him if all he wants is shallow praise, he still deflects and isn't completely honest with you.

note that if you choose to take the less compassionate route and simply tell them that he has a "very good face," he will still prompt you to tell him what you see when you look at him, and the delivery of the line is subtly but noticeably different and more guarded. similarly, if you poke a little too much fun at him by calling him old and draw too much attention to his mole, he gets very flustered and ends the conversation immediately. understandable, since he's relied on his appearance for so long, and hearing (even jokingly) that even that might not be something he can use anymore must be at least a little terrifying for him.

so naturally, you might think that by being truthful with him would perhaps net you a better result -- after all, you're telling him what he asked for, what you really see, that you see him as more than just someone to lust after -- but it doesn't. he actually seems a little upset if you choose those dialogue options. in that moment, he wants to know that you find him attractive, because he thinks that's all he's good for. because if you find him attractive, there's a chance that he could seduce you and use you for protection against cazador. i do think he also genuinely wants to know that there's so much more to him than just a pretty face, since that's a big theme of his entire story/romance arc, but that's not at the top of his priority list this early in the game. he's relying purely on instinct. he knows how to respond to people telling him he's attractive. accepting genuine compliments about the person beneath the mask? that's probably not something he's had much (if any) experience with in close to two centuries. he didn't have the luxury of being able to let anyone see who he really was.

all that to say that this interaction is really heartbreaking. he wants to be seen, wants to be understood and possibly loved, but at the same time he still thinks he needs to put on a front to ensure he can keep himself safe. watching him slowly start to unlearn those habits during the course of the game has been one of my favorite things about bg3 and a huge part of what's really endeared astarion to me as a character.

[dreamerimpossible]

Slasher Jealousy Scale

Warnings: Unhealthy relationships, in certain cases yandere tendencies, +18 content.

Michael Myers 3/10

Not too jealous. He usually doesn't understand the reason for those feelings. Furthermore, no one would be able to touch what he marked for him, his superhuman strength and imposing figure would be on top of anyone who dared to look in your direction. So, he would never get jealous. There's just no need.

Chucky 8/10

Completely canonical that he's a jealous bastard. Just tell him he's not man enough for you and he'll get on top of you without thinking twice forcing you to back off. The person who set his sights on you doesn't have a good destiny, obviously. In reality, it's not good to play with him, his pride as a man is too strong.

Billy Loomis 9/10

Abandonment issues become too present. He doesn't like you getting close to too many guys. If his partner knows his true nature, he will be overly controlling and possessive, he would not like his partner to get too close to friends who could be a threat to their relationship. He is quite manipulative and will use such tactics to get you to stay away from those he doesn't like.

Stu Macher 6/10

Medium level of jealousy. He doesn't like being replaced by someone else, but he won't show much of a reaction if you talk to friends who like you. Anyway, he is also popular and will interact with all types of people. However, if he sees something very noticeable, he will pull the strings underneath and that person who made him jealous will magically disappear. For the sake of the relationship, don't talk about it.

Patrick Bateman 10/10

All your attention should be directed at him. The more genuine your interest and compliments, the more he will seek your attention, so making him jealous and paying attention to someone else would be the end of it. He needs complete devotion. He won't tolerate distractions and could take care of them. Making him feel insecure indirectly is not the best option you could take. It is better to dedicate everything to him.

Jason Vorhees 10/10

He literally keeps you locked up, that is the most representative indication of the matter. He does not like those people standing over you looking at you with lust. He is the only one you need. Yes, he will take care of you and protect you. You should be calm.

Leatherface 10/10

Too insecure with himself, so he expects you to have impeccable behavior. Although luckily for you, you will not have too many moments in which he will get jealous because your only environment is his family. So you must treat them with respect and with certain limits and distance. If not, he will get frustrated. And we know his way of dealing with that.

Art The Clown 2/10

He is not jealous, everything for him is a violent game. If someone flirts with you, he will laugh and do his thing with the same energy as always. Although he won't tolerate you ridiculing him, if you flirt with someone, you will pay, but not because he gets jealous, but because he is the one who makes the rules, not you.

Jason Dean 10/10

Dependent, possessive and obsessive. He's literally a warning in and of himself. Seriously, don't flirt or let yourself be flirted with. Don't break up with him, don't walk away from him, don't stop paying attention to him. Just don't leave him, he's very jealous and won't let you go for any reason. Oh, he's also manipulative, so he'll definitely get you to walk away from that harmless guy in your class.

Alex DeLarge 2/10

He doesn't formally qualify as a slasher, but I'm including him anyway. I don't really see him as jealous, he's more of a controlling guy. He doesn't like having his first choice role in other people's lives taken away from him, he is the leader and the one who commands, but he won't get jealous of anyone, because he thinks highly of himself and is charming when he wants to be. He probably has you wrapped around his finger, so…why get jealous?

Brahms 15/10

He won't let you leave the house for that reason. He doesn't want you to leave him, any outsider is a threat. You are only his, you must accept that. However, even if you accept it, he will still be jealous, because he can't help it. If you want to go out somewhere, he will wonder if it is because you want to see someone.

[honeydazai]

୨୧·࣭࣪̇˖ 𝆬  sharing a bed with them 𓏸

feat.: Dazai, Chūya, Ranpo, Fyodor, Nikolai, Sigma

content: pre-relationship bed sharing, flirty/mildly sexual implications

It's truly unfortunate that, while on a mission for the Agency, you have to share a bed with DAZAI — or so you think, at least. He doesn't share the sentiment in the slightest, instead smiling as innocently as possible the moment his gaze falls onto the single bed in the hotel room booked for the night. While he pretends to offer you the bed, he'll guilt-trip you about the couch being way too short for his long legs and about his back already aching until, eventually, you give in and share it with him.

Naturally, he gets into your space more than necessary at night, pretending he's asleep while cuddling close to you, given how, then, you can't cuss him out for wrapping an arm around your waist and burying his face in your neck, breath warm against your throat. It's worse that he knows if you won't get any amount of sleep whatsoever, much too busy with fighting off arousal while he's pressed flush against your back.

“Hm? No, it's alright. I don't mind taking the couch. What kind of man would I be if I let you sleep on there? Still, it's just — it's way too short and hard. Couches this uncomfortable shouldn't exist, really. I doubt I'll be able to get even a wink of sleep tonight, what a shame.”

When there turns out to only be one bed in the hotel room you're supposed to stay in for the night, CHŪYA doesn't even hesitate before offering you the bed, immediately going for the couch instead. He won't accept any protests either; no matter whether you're worried about his comfort or just think it's polite to refuse his offer, he won't allow you to spend the night on a sofa. He's not making a huge deal out of it and, if you keep being annoying about it, he gets more and more exhausted by the minute.

Eventually, he might give in to the idea of sharing the bed. He has no trouble keeping to himself — or so he believes, because, once he's actually asleep, softly snoring into your ear, he's moving wildly, one leg eventually thrown over your body, arms stretched out. If you mention it to him in the morning, his cheeks flush soft pink.

“Hm? The fuck you mean, you'll be taking the sofa? Definitely not. I'm already here — and I don't mind. Go lie down and get some sleep. We've got a busy day tomorrow.”

RANPO, the very moment he steps foot into the room, decides he wants the bed to himself. The idea of taking the couch doesn't even cross his mind; instead, he makes his way over to the bed all too quickly, though, when you end up either glaring at him or asking him to share, he just shrugs.

Really, he doesn't make too big of a deal out of sharing a bed, not even seeming a little nervous at the idea of lying down beside you for hours on end. Meanwhile, at night, he cuddles up close to you — actually asleep, unlike a certain someone —, arms wrapped around you, for once completely unaware of you being all flustered because of him. In the morning, it'll be like nothing happened, even though you can't quite stop thinking about

“What are you looking at me like that for? I said we can share. If you're hoping to have it for yourself, tough luck. I was here first, just saying. Just get in or move to the couch already, I'm tired.”

All of FYODOR'S decisions are based on logic; this one is no exception. If the bed is large enough to fit two people, it's large enough for the two of you to share — though, if you feel like taking the couch instead, he won't protest. That's your decision to make, after all.

While actually sharing the bed with him, it's basically like you're alone in there, anyway. He doesn't move when asleep, doesn't make a sound; it's all too easy to imagine he's not even there, even though, occasionally, a dark strand of hair might brush against your face. What you don't know, however, is that he, at night, while you're fast asleep, he takes the time to watch you up close, lilac eyes tracing over every plane of your face.

“I do not mind sharing the bed with you. I hope you feel similarly. We both are adults, are we not? I doubt this will be an issue. Just lie down.”

NIKOLAI is undoubtedly amused by the idea of sharing a bed with you. He doesn't waste a single thought towards either of you taking the sofa instead; nonsense, just why would you do that? There's a perfectly fine bed right there, and surely both of you are mature enough to share one without any issues, right? Wrong.

He makes a point of being as obnoxious as possible, cuddling close to you the very second you lie down. It doesn't help that he's both tall and strong, his arms closed around your waist so you can't even try to get away or up, and he makes a point of whining whenever you attempt to squirm away. It's going to be a long night.

“What's the matter? Why are you moving so much? Stop it, I won't be able to fall asleep this way. Or — ah, are you trying to rile me up on purpose? That's naughty of you, sweetheart.”

SIGMA immediately makes a beeline for the couch the second he notices the dilemma of having a double bed rather than two separate ones booked. He won't even discuss the topic with you; he doesn't want you to feel uncomfortable or forced to sleep on a sofa, so he'll do it instead. There's no whining or guilt tripping from his end; he simply accepts his fate for the night. There's worse things to endure.

If you're incredibly serious about convincing him, however, he might just give in, even though his cheeks feel a little warmer than usual when he lies down next to you, making sure there's an appropriate amount of distance between the two of you. If there's anything he doesn't want, it's you thinking he's trying to be creepy after you've decided to trust him — he probably ends up barely getting any sleep, just because he's worried about accidentally getting too close to you.

“Are you sure you're alright with this? I really don't mind spending the night on the sofa instead. ... Well, if you're sure — thank you.”

NEW POST AGAIN FINALLY AA my commissions are open, by the way!! dm me if interested! 💜

join my tag list!

tags: @irethepotato @beandaifuku , @the-foreigner , @ranpobb, @arixsux, @dei-lilxc , @atsyushi @satoruislove @pastelsbaby @marina-and-the-memes @texchou @shiggysredhead @savagemickey03 @rosepxtlz @nikolaiswife @okura-s @ladykatakuri @lunerenzo @berywritesstuff @Chxrry-doll @xelia25 @yuuotosaka3 @double-black-dazai @alice0blog @fyodorstolenushanka @ttaiyaki @itsnovariella @black-rose-29 @fyodorscumsock @ayshaashaya @qxxstuff @serenareiss @atsvsh1 @dilucshandholder @reiikonee @1-800-mocha

@xvocadooo @hexiisexii @cupxfcxffee @jodidann @Happymoon16 @yumidepain @nchuuyahq @janeinerz @Aaronthegreatestsimp @fanfiction-waifu @KimxKiba @Morigumy @villainouspotential @ashthemadwriter-uwu @mrsdostoevsky @nikolaisgoofyahhhat @yeonwoomyheartbelongstoyou @hellgirlwhore @c4xcocoa @lyrstybsd @angelsrunes @wuaoqu @disa-ster @aspookyscaryghost @nikolaisboner @urgodmoon @polish-anon @arisu-chan4646nsfw @eroscastle @somnobun @birbysaur @Senpaible @hyunlixie143 @dababyurmom @4nthonyyliving @scinclaitnoir @Snips18 @satohruu @flowzel

[celtrist]

This was the piece that I had started before my extensive vacation (of coughing). Once again, Alastor is consistently the bane of my existence with his... well everything.

No matter! Anyway, this is something I like to call the Obsession AU. To sum it up real fast: Everyone is yandere for Alastor. I think it would just be apart of his punishment in Hell, being consistently forced into or desired in romantic/sex which he's never had much interest in. I would describe it as a dark comedy thing, but it can be as comedic or as dark as you want here. With that said, please be on guard with any mentions of darker content that treds towards a certain dead bird territory when I get a bit into how I imagine some of the characters. Again, it doesn't have to go that far if you're interested in this premise of an au and wanna focus on the more light hearted stuff, feel free.

This au is just poking a bit of fun at how everyone in the fandom wants to put Alastor in romantic situations constantly (whether it be with themselves or the other characters) despite Alastor probably being the least interested in the subject in the whole show. This is by no means a hate train or making fun of people who do enjoy shipping Alastor, it just more of a funny thing I think comes off as pretty ironic for his character and hopefully, others can enjoy that too. In this au he leans pretty much on the clear-cut side of aromantic and asexual with no interest in romantic affections at all. With that said, if you want to explore Alastor genuinely being interested in one of the other characters romantically or something similar, feel free to explore that! I can see some interesting dichotomies there. It's just within the actual "canon" of this au, he's not at all interested with that sort of thing. And just with a last final reminder to get into some character things I have in mind, some of the content mentioned does get pretty dark, particularly with Valentino but I don't think anyone's surprised there. But there might be some triggering content of the following mentioned here with characters but no crazy details really: Manipulation/Gaslighting, forced feminization, Non-con, Munchausen syndrome, Poisoning, Possessive, Drugging, Love bombing And I will be sure to give a quick warning to each character it might apply to, please feel free to let me know if I missed anything!

Rosie (Munchausen syndrome, Poisoning): Rosie has 100% poisoned Alastor before to make sure he relies on her. They started off as good friends but at some point Alastor began getting ill and Rosie offered to take care of him. This leads to Alastor staying in bed for full days, only really seeing Rosie who took care of his every need from food, clothing, washing, and so on. At some point, Alastor caught on that Rosie was putting something in his food to make him sick and he managed to escape with their friendship tarnished much to his dismay. He's often uneasy around Rosie but is upfront about his knowledge of Rosie's deeds. Rosie, in turn, acts like it is a lighthearted situation and often offers Alastor over for lunch, which he often denies. Any food he gets at his doorstep from a secret admirer or a lunchbox he finds at his seat in an overlord meeting goes straight into the trash. Alastor will still use Rosie's assets to his benefit of course, but is always careful as to what she might try to get in exchange. He has had more awkward lunches with her with his homemade meal versus the buffet she catered for the occasion, with the two gossiping like old times. Alastor is still uneasy during these times, but he also revels in the false pleasantries due to not having many others he's able to associate himself with due to the curse.

Lucifer (Controlling, Possessive, Manipulation): So I'm not 100% clear how I wanted to approach Lucifer. He and Charlie are probably the most similar I suppose? He wants Alastor as his queen (either alongside him and Lilith or only with him, he doesn't mind either way). He doesn't force him into dresses or anything, but Lucifer does consistently make doting moves and talks about how Alastor would make a good father to their children. Marriage is one of the mind and Lucifer probably gets a bit possessive with him. He also tries to guilt trip Alastor a lot, or manipulate situations in one of their arguments to get Alastor to say something he doesn't mean.

Charlie (Controlling, Possessive): Probably the most tame of everyone quite honestly. Charlie can be a bit controlling but does step off when Alastor expresses his dislike of her doing so, even if it takes a couple times. She likes doing things for him, is super affectionate, and daydreams about her, Vaggie, and Alastor all getting married. She can get pretty possessive with him, not being pleased when anybody does anything against Alastor's will or hurt him. The only exception to this rule is Vaggie, to which Charlie sees it like two cats getting along and finds it very endearing.

Vaggie (Forced Feminization, Controlling, Murder): Depending on how you look at it, Vaggie's one of the more fucked up obsessions or one of the more funnier ones. Because she's automatically inclined to like Alastor quite a bit with the curse thing but her personality doesn't jive with his for her own taste (in terms of their first meeting), she both hates and loves the guy. She's obsessed with trying to murder Alastor with traps around the hotel or outright standing over him with her spear. The hatred comes primarily from not wanting to feel the way she does about him, I guess like a fucked up tsundere if you wanna go that route. At the same token, however, she does want Alastor to be involved with both her and Charlie romantically. There's just one little problem: Vaggie has about the same amount of interest in men as she does in canon. So to sort of "fix" Alastor, she consistently tries to force him to be more feminine in clothing, offering different feminine names, and even trying to force him to get a sex change. Alastor is pretty slippery though, so it never quite works out in Vaggie's favor aside from the occasional dress or skirt being worn, which solidifies her attraction to him. Then he takes it off and looks more like a man again, and it solidifies her frustration/hatred for him.

Angel Dust (Drugging): To start, while I think Angel would love to have sex with Alastor, he 100% would not force it. Wouldn't even do touches or anything. Potentially he could just like as a coping (to be in a situation where HE'S the one in control), but that is a darker route that I don't think will be exactly true for this AU. However, he very much enjoys drugging Alastor similar to Rosie. Not only just as a bonding thing since Angel would also do the drugs WITH him, but just to get the not-quite-lucid compliments from Alastor and maybe a snuggle then and there. He wants to dote on Alastor with him drugged out in his bed saying nice things to Angel. Admittedly this one's a bit of a workshop as I just knew I didn't want Angel to be focused on sex like somebody, but wasn't sure what to do here.

Valentino(Non-con, LoveBombing): I mean... it is Valentino, what did you THINK he'd be trying to do with Alastor? There's really not much to say here, Valentino essentially tries pulling all the stops trying to get Alastor in bed while also love-bombing the hell out of him. Which really doesn't work. Valentino is pretty open with sharing Alastor, but again, does this surprise anyone? As long as he's participating in some way, he really doesn't mind.

Vox (ALL warnings): Pretty much the worst version of himself that people make him be sometimes for those darker stories in the fandom. While more interested in having an enthusiastic partner, I don't think Vox would be opposed to forcing himself onto Alastor. He consistently tries to manipulate and gaslight, while enjoying both the suffering and pleasure of Alastor. Much like Vaggie, Vox is obsessed both being in love with Alastor while also downright hating him to the core. He's possessive and likes the idea of being both sweet and heinous with Alastor. He pretty much is every other character wrapped up in one fucked up TV man. Vox acts the most well-adjusted of the characters here, but he's probably got the obsession the worst.

And of course, pretty much every other conceivable ship is up for grabs here. I did think about maybe unfallen angels are able to resist the obsession curse, which would possibly make a funny team-up of Alastor, Adam, Lute, and Emily. Alternatively, I thought maybe the other canonically asexual characters in the show wouldn't be affected instead, meaning another oddball team-up of Alastor, Octavia, and Mammon. Then there is of course the "nope, there's no escape for deer man". Not sure yet, maybe I'll workshop it. I have more normal things in the works rather than this messed up little au, but darker content is a guilty pleasure of mine.

[paper-mario-wiki]

Could you explain how Ambrosia is able to come back after dying?

1

Sure yeah, I'll give it a shot.

[Fursona Lore/ Mild Existential Horror presented in charmingly primitive MS Paint style under the cut]

2

[At the top of the panel there is the label "conceptual space (currently being created. The middle is labeled "THE UNIVERSE, REALITY (the other)". The bottom is labeled "CONSCIOUSNESS, REFLECTION (the self). The very bottom of the panel reads "OTHER, FREAKIER BUT LESS IMPORTANT STUFF" ]

To keep it brief, a person is when a certain amount of consciousness slips upwards into reality. Consciousness is, like the laws of thermo dynamics [sic], a fundamental property of the universe.

3

I'm sure you've heard of the sticking-a-pencil-through-paper metaphor for theoretical wormhole travel, right? Staying within that visual metaphor, imagine the moisture in the air around that "piece of paper" as what consciousness is. It creates tiny, imperceivable changes in the surface and makeup of the paper. Imagine a microscopic rain cloud making a tiny fraction of the paper a little bit soggy. That's what you are in the universe. A tiny soggy fraction of a massive piece of paper. (That's why you feel so small btw).

Of course, putting it into that metaphor IS greatly simplifying it, since in real life things like time and space sorta overlap, ya know? Because they're entirely separate dimensions of measurement. Consciousness is the same, it is everywhere in the universe all at once, but only after it seeps in from a place that is exactly where we are, but elsewhere. 4D stuff is complicated sorry if that's not super clear ha ha.

4

Normal people happen when a bunch of that stray potential-consciousness starts stacking more and more layers of reality on top of itself. Sort of like those pastries that you fold butter into and then fold it like 10 times and that makes it so theres like a billion layers of butter and dough and butter and dough and butter and dough and on and on and on. But with, uh. The other stuff. Consiousness and matter from the universe.

Speaking semantically, that's all the little tiny organisms that work really hard to make you alive. Like the biome in your gut, or the bacteria in your tissue and blood cells. Look it up, 43% of the human body is made of bacteria. Like, that's just on google.

Anyway, all their effort culminates in an increasingly complex meat shell that constitutes a person.

5

For the sake of practicality, we can imagine the way consciousness "seeps in" to the universe is like heat coming off the sun. The two overlapping infinite planes radiate into each other like heat radiates off the sun.

That clear? Heat from the sun. Remember that, it's important for the next part.

6

I'm sort of like a solar flare.

My consciousness, in its raw form, was so concentrated that it was like a tiny shooting star straight from the source.

Also kind of like a kidney stone, I guess.

7

Since my consciousness (which, to be clear, is approximately the same "amount" of consciouessness as anyone else, just all smooshed together into a single clump) is smooshed together into a single clump, the shell forms naturally as "reality" settles onto it. The "shape" the consciousness takes is basically the same as your body or anyone else's since the framework of both entities are the "same" on the "outside". Thus the "shells" turn out "similar" too.

Sorry for all the quotation marks, it's hard to talk about concepts outside of the third dimension in third dimensional terms, and like. I also am not super sure about this stuff either. I'm only relaying what I've learned from the scientists but some of it goes over my head.

I like to think I'm clever but like. I'm not a genius.

8

So here's the part where me and you are different: When your shell breaks apart (when you die) it's because the consciouessness had been escaping your shell, like air from a balloon, and the physical structure can't support itself anymore. Or, like, maybe you just fall over and hit your head on the concrete one day and pop the balloon all together.

Either way, the consciousness escapes from the pressure, and either goes back "down" where it came from, or goes upward into conceptual space, which is sorta being constituted through forces exerted in the physical universe. Well, I mean, really it's more of a product of a reaction between consciousness and physical space. Whatever I'm getting off topic.

The point is the shell breaks cuz the balloon pops. I think that was my point.

9

Now that you get all that, you can probably deduce on your own how and why I'm able to keep "coming back".

It's cuz I'm not really "coming back", I'm still here! The shell representing me here was just lost.

10

And while the facade may not look precisely the same every single time...

11

I remain the same.

[yazzwrites6962]

Sticky Situation ♡ Denji

˚ʚ♡ɞ˚ Denji x Fem!Virgin!Reader ˚ʚ♡ɞ˚

Author's Note: UNEDITED! Denji is absolutely aged up in this depiction. In no way should he be interpreted as a minor, even if it doesn't exactly follow the original work. I do not own any characters/images!

Genre: Smut and fluff

Summary: Y/N is a top tier devil hunter, earning her much respect and praise among others. However, when she catches herself in an embarrassing situation, she desperately pleads for Denji to help and not tell anyone. He wants something in return.

Word Count: 4456

Warnings: Sexual content, language, loss of virginity, penetration, Fem! oral receiving, biting, masochism, blood, slight degradation, praise, hair pulling, spanking, mirror sex, choking, sort of "caught".

-ˋˏ✄┈┈┈┈

It was irritating enough that you had to deal with Denji and Power getting in your way all the time in the past couple weeks, but now you had to live with the idiots. You only really did it as a favor to Makima, one of your oldest friends.

"You'll be like a mentor. A stabilizing force to their chaos." You recall the night Makima tried to persuade you. "Besides, it will be good for you. You can't live life all on your lonesome. You should learn to make friends."

"I'm perfectly happy being all on my own for the rest of my life. Other people only slow me down." You can hazily remember Makima pouring you another shot. That was one of the only ways you could be convinced of anything: If you weren't sober. "I have you, what more could I need? Though... I guess if you really want me to do it, I will."

You never could have anticipated that your apartment would be destroyed during a battle with the Chaos devil. It seemed chaos followed you everywhere now that you were a glorified babysitter. The only reason the Chaos devil got away that day was because of Denji ruining your plans. You missed the days when you had your solitude and organized schedule. You had a certain way of doing everything, and he always managed to screw it up.

Now, while your place was being fixed, you were shoved into a cramped apartment with Aki, Denji, and Power. You didn't mind Aki so much. He seemed plenty capable and usually stayed away from you. It was Denji and Power you'd grown to hate. Still, you couldn't back out from your favor to Makima.

It was a warm Sunday, and for once, you had nothing much to do. You'd cleaned up the tiny space you called your own. Somehow, Aki managed to clean out a decently sized closet for you to stay in. You'd cleaned the kitchen as well. Aki, Denji, and Power were not home, and you relished the peace this brought. You couldn't care less about where they were.

No devils, no mess, no noise. What a dream. You opted to take a nice hot shower to relax your muscles. You slowly peel off your clothes, making your way to the bathroom. You turn on the shower, allowing the room to fill with steam. The mirrors fogged and you took your time bathing yourself, enjoying the rare comfort of your solitude.

You must've been in the shower for nearly an hour before you finally decided to get out, wrapping your damp body in a large white towel. You wipe the mirror, finding your bare face staring back at you, wet hair draping over your shoulders. That's when you feel something tickling your foot.

You look down, your heart stopping as you pray that what you're seeing is a hallucination. To your dismay, it's not. You shriek, kicking your foot and leaping onto the sink. You immediately douse your foot in soap, scrubbing it under the faucet while your eyes are locked on the little bug on the floor.

A cockroach. A cockroach was crawling on your foot. Disgusting. Of course, the apartment has cockroaches. Denji and power are the most disgusting people you've ever met. Can it fly? Dear god it better not be able to fly.

You're trapped in the bathroom, unable to leave out of fear of the cockroach. To think, you, who can defeat any foe and instill fear in others is terrified of a cockroach. As you're racking your brain for ideas, the bathroom door bursts open, you scream once again, fearing the cockroach will react to the sudden movement.

"What's going on?!" Denji shouts, standing right at the door. You're huff in frustration. Not only are you stuck with a cockroach, but he's home. He heard you scream. He's... staring right at your cleavage? What a pervert!

"Denji! What the fuck are you doing home?" You yell, trying to calm your nerves. You don't want to lose respect, especially not from him. You pull your towel in a little tighter, trying to cover as much of your body as possible.

"I got home like, fifteen minutes ago. Power and Aki are still out- Why are you on the sink?" He asks, his eyes searching the room before they land on the little brown creature on the floor. His gaze switches between you and the bug before a smirk grows on his face. "Miss Y/N... Are you scared of the cockroach?"

"No!" You practically scream this to the entire building. A deep blush washes over your cheeks as you shift your position ever so slightly. "What are you even doing?! Get out! Shut the door!" Denji does as you instruct, except he steps inside the room before shutting the door behind him.

"Then what are you doing on the sink?" He chuckled, approaching the little bug on the floor. He pinches it between his fingers, and you practically vomit in your mouth from this action. He holds it a little closer to you, and you sink into yourself, holding your breath. "You are scared!" He laughs, the bug writhing between his pointer and his thumb.

"S-Stop! Just get that thing out of here, you freak!" You shut your eyes, horrified by what you're seeing. "I'm not scared! It's just gross! Put it outside!" Denji's laughter continues, as he pulls back, putting some more distance between you and the cockroach.

"Wow. I never thought I'd see you so scared of something. It's kinda cute." He teases. "I'll make you a deal. I'll get rid of the bug, and I won't tell anyone about your fear," You inhale, feeling slightly more relieved. "But you've got to do something for me in return." Of course there's a catch.

"I don't make deals or compromises." You state sternly, pointing towards the door. "Get rid of it, Denji!" Rather than following your orders, he brings the bug closer to you, causing a shriek to slip from your lips.

"C'mon, Miss Y/N. Loosen up. I'm not asking much. Just a favor." A favor is what got you into this mess in the first place, but with the cockroach's legs wiggling right in front of your face, you don't have too much of a choice.

"Fine! Whatever! Just get it out of here!" With that, Denji steps back, anticlimactically tossing the bug into the toilet and flushing it away just as quickly as it came. He makes his way back to the sink, a proud grin on his face. "Wash your fucking hands you degenerate." You bark. Denji rolls his eyes, doing as he's told this time.

"See? Was that so bad? You could've flushed the thing yourself, y'know." He laughs as you slide your way off the sink. You adjust your towel once again, realizing that you're still completely nude underneath. Denji has had this in mind since the beginning. "Now, can I get my favor?"

"You want to cash it in already?" You groan, still blushing from embarrassment. "You should save it for something important. It's not every day you get a favor from me." Ddenji shakes his head, turning off the sink and drying his hands. He actually washed them well enough that you don't have any complains.

"I wanna use it now." He says, hungrily looking down over your frame. Your bare skin is still slightly wet, droplets of water clinging to your skin. Your hair is drooping over your face. This is the rawest, most vulnerable state he has ever seen you in. "I want you to take off the towel."

Silence. Even the birds outside stopped chirping. You blink a few times, hoping this was a joke, but it's not. Your face grows redder as you cling to your towel for dear life. You're speechless. What kind of perverted request is this?

"Y-You... You weirdo!" You yell, turning your face away from him. "That is not a favor! That's just... It's just... You're so gross!" You turn to leave the bathroom, but he graps your wrist, holding you in place. You're about to knock some sense into him, but he begins to speak, and you surprisingly listen.

"Look, I'm not trynna be creepy or anything, okay? I don't mean to offend you. It's just like... you're... untouchable. Y'know? You're the amazing devil hunter everyone looks up to. At the same time, seeing you like this... It's like a reminder that you're human. A pretty one. It makes me think we're not so different. I could be as awesome as you someday, I guess. I still... respect you a lot. Whether you fulfill the favor or not."

Your demeanor softens as he rambles. Denji sure says a lot of things that piss you off, but this touches your cold heart a little. You sigh, pulling his hand off your wrist and opening the bathroom door. For a second, Denji seems dejected, thinking you're about to leave. However, you simply peek through the hallway, making sure nobody else is home before shutting the bathroom door again.

"Fine." You grumble. You did owe him a favor, after all, and you're a woman of your word. "Just for a second, okay?" Denji's face lights up, and he nods vigorously. You roll your eyes. The hands that once tightly gripped your towel drop. Your towel drops along with them, bunching up on the ground. You'll have to get another as soon as Denji is finished oogling you.

But Denji isn't gawking like you thought he would be. He's observing, respectfully. His eyes are scanning over your chest, looking as though he will need to remember this for the rest of his life. Studying you. His gaze drops from your chest, making sure he gets a good look at everything. He lifts a finger, rotating it, indicating he wants you to turn around. You scoff, but comply, shifting so that your back is facing him.

"Are you done yet?" You huff, looking into the mirror to see what he's doing. He's still analyzing your body, taking a step closer to get a better look. You can't help but feel embarrased. Nobody has ever seen you like this before. You've never had time for romance or silly relationships. You've always been too busy being the best.

"You're beautiful." Denji exhales, his eyes glimmering. You turn around to face him again. He's much closer than you remember him being. Your heart picks up and you feel the heat rush to your face again. "Can I... touch?"

"That was not part of the deal!" You groan, but his compliments have softened you. Besides, it's not like this will ever happen again, so why not let him have his fun? You shrug, lifting your arms ever so slightly. "Whatever. Knock yourself out, buddy."

Denji licks his lips, lifting his hands until they're nearly touching your chest. He pauses for a moment, looking back into your eyes for another sign of approval. You roll your eyes and nod. He smiles, his large hands finally grasping your breasts. At first, he's a little rough, and a squeak escapes your throat.

"Ah- Gentle." You whine. His touch lightens as he continues to massage. Between his fingers, he suddenly pinches your nipples. You gasp, jumping slightly at the sudden sensation. "D-Denji-?" He groans, getting down onto his knees and pushing your back into the bathroom door. Suddenly, his lips are locked around your right breast, his tongue swiping around the tender area.

You want to scold him. You want to remind him that this was not part of the deal, but somehow, you don't mind it too much. You're actually enjoying this a little too much. Denji's left hand is still planted on your right breast, kneading it lightly. His other hand begins to travel down your side, pausing at your waist. His thumb rubs circles into your bare skin, which goosebumps are now forming over. With a small pop, lip mouth releases you.

"Is this okay, Miss Y/N?" He says, barely above a whisper. "You can tell me to stop." Surely, he must know what he's doing. He must know the conflict he's causing in your mind. With him on his knees, kneeling in front of you and looking up with such pleading eyes, you feel so drawn to seeing what he does next.

"N-No. It's fine. This is fine. You can... continue." You say, embarrassed. He smiles, his sharp white teeth flashing at you before he lifts you by the waist. Both his arms are wrapped around you, and you grip his hair to stabilize yourself. "H-Hey! Woah-" You're about to complain, but he sets you down at the edge of the sink, his hands finding your thighs.

He caresses you so delicately. It feels comforting to be treated gently. So many people assume you're so tough, and you can handle not being treated softly. Denji felt different. He carefully spread your legs, peppering kisses up your thighs. You bite your lip, growing anxious and embarrassed.

"Relax, Miss Y/N. I don't bite." He smiled, his hands sliding up your legs and finally reaching your wet core. He pushes his thumb against your clit, a little too hard. You jump, grapping his wrist. He nods, easing his touch and rubbing circles on your sensitive bud. "Better?"

"Mhmm..." You hum, releasing his wrist. His head lowers between your thighs, pausing for a moment before his tongue presses against you. For a moment, you wonder how this escalated so quickly, but it's difficult to think while Denji laps up your arousal. Your legs squeeze his head as he continues.

You bite your lip, trying not to let the whimpers and moans fall from your throat. It's embarrassing. It's all just so embarrassing. You can feel how warm your face is. In a way, it's a little difficult to fully enjoy the moment with how your mind races. Maybe he noticed this, because he lifts his head, spreading your legs apart so he can lift himself further to meet your gaze.

"You can relax, Miss Y/N." You find yourself in such a position so that now, his clothes hips are pressed between your legs. His strong arms are wrapped around you, landing on your upper waist while he decorates your neck in kisses and marks.

"Calling me Miss makes me sound old. Just Y/N is fine..." You exhale as he finds your sweet spot, licking and sucking on your soft skin. Suddenly, you feel the press of his sharp teeth on you, piercing your flesh. You yelp, slapping his shoulder. "Hey! I thought you said you didn't bite?" You grumble. He chuckles, his hot breath brushing your shoulder.

"I'm sorry Y/N, you just feel so delicate like this..." He licks up some spots of blood from the bite mark he just created. "I never would've dreamed I could have you so vulnerable like this." His voice suddenly seems so low, and husky. Usually, this comment would've tremendously offended you, but it was true. You'd allowed yourself to be exposed to this man, who you had considered an immature annoyance only an hour earlier.

"Y-Yeah yeah don't get used to it. I'm feeling generous today." You flush, turning your warm face away from him. Although you never imagined yourself being intimate with someone, you never could've fathomed that you would be so submissive. Anyone who knew you saw you as a dominating spirit.

"Well, if you're feeling generous, let's see how much I can get away with..." Denji teased, leaning in closer to you for a kiss. You hesitated for a moment. You've never kissed someone before. What if you did it wrong? No, not possible. You were always the best at everything you did. Still, why did your heart race so rapidly? Why were you so anxious?

You gulp, leaning into his lips. They're surprisingly soft. There were awkward moments where your teeth bumped together, or your rhythm was off. It was definitely a learning curve, but soon, you were synced in a passionate kiss. Your fingers intertwined with the strands of his hair, tugging on it slightly. He groaned, pressing himself into you further.

Your arousal was soaking through his pants, only causing the prominent bulge beneath them to ache and twitch more. His hands explored your body as if he would be tested on it, studying every part of you. Suddenly, he pulled away from the kiss, his cheeks pink and eyes filled with desire.

"Y/N." He whined your name, sending shivers down your spine. It seemed rather unfair that you were completely nude in front of him, and he was still fully dressed. You began to unbutton his shirt, his well-built chest slowly revealing itself to you.

"Yes?" You whisper, pulling his shirt off and allowing it to land on the partially wet floor. It could always be washed later. Right now, all you wanted was for him to get undressed. You reach for his belt, and he watches as you fiddle with the buckle. Slowly, but surely, all his remaining clothing is left in a pile on the floor. He matches you in your nudity.

"I've never done anything like this before." He admits. You smile, grateful that at least you aren't alone in your newness to the situation. "I respect you, a lot. Like, a lot a lot... I want you to feel good."

"I haven't done anything like this either, if that wasn't already obvious." You say softly. His eyes widen with surprise. This only makes you more nervous. He wouldn't back out now, right? He'd better not leave you high and dry.

"R-Really? I wouldn't have expected that from someone as awesome as you." Though there were so many ways you could've interpreted that, you chose to take it as a compliment. Besides, you were growing impatient.

"Really... Now... Can we change that?" You ask, your legs wrapping around him, bringing his cock to your core. He was already twitching and oozing with desire for you. He nods vigorously before gripping your hips. His nails dug into you slightly, but you didn't care. You were too focused on how he lines himself up with you.

"Are you super sure, Miss Y/N?" He asks. You appreciate how much he seems to care about getting your consent. You nod, your hands finding a comfortable resting position wrapping around his neck. "Say it."

"I'm sure." The way he demands verbal confirmation from you makes your heart skip a beat. Before you can say another word, he pushes himself all the way into you. You gasp, a tinge of pain pinching through you. You felt stretched; Filled.

You didn't need to tell him to give you a moment to adjust. You could tell it took a lot out of him to hold himself back. He couldn't contain his twitching, which caused you to shudder every time. You saw the beads of sweat beginning to form on his forehead as he focused on his breathing.

Fortunately, the pain was quick to fade, and suddenly you couldn't imagine feeling as empty as you did before again. You shift your hips slightly, feeling his tip press against a particularly sensitive spongy spot inside you. His breath hitches and his nails press harder into your hips.

"Y/N..." He growls, warning you that if you continue to tease him with your little movements, he wouldn't be able to hold back. Maybe that's exactly what you want. You continue to roll your hips, baiting him with your small motions. "Fuck. Y/N."

You felt him draw out of you a bit, leaving you missing the feeling of being full. However, just as quickly as he had pulled away, he thrusted back into you. This time, you felt nothing, but pleasure. He repeated this motion, pumping deep inside you continuously. Your grip on him tightened as you brought yourself closer, raggedly breathing in his ear.

He chuckles, pulling out of you fully, and picking you up off the counter. You have a moment of confusion before he sets you on the ground, turning you around so that you're facing the mirror. He pins your hands behind your back, your chest pressed against the counter as he pushes back inside you.

You see your lewd expression, and the blush spreading your cheeks. You also see Denji's expression, full of pleasure and a hint of something... possessive? He continues to pound into you, the sound of slapping skin echoing in the room, along with the muffled moans you're trying to contain.

"C'mon princess, let me hear those pretty noises." Denji growls. It feels so out of character for him, but it only makes you more desperate. You allow your moans and whimpers to spill out, seeing just how much he enjoys it based on his face in the mirror. "That's right. Such a good slut for me."

With one hand still holding your wrists, his other travels to your scalp, grabbing a handful of your hair and tugging it back. As your head lifts, you can really see yourself in the mirror. You can see the way your body bounces with every thrust. You can see the bites and hickies on your neck. You don't even have the mind to think about how you'll cover them later.

"Ngh, you're so beautiful like this." He groans, his moans growing louder alongside yours. He releases your wrist, allowing you to use your hands to stabilize yourself against the counter while your legs tremble. Now, another slapping sound fills the room as he smacks your ass, causing you to jump and tighten around him. He gasps, repeating the action. "Fuck. You're so tight... Squeezing around me... You're so good Y/N..."

Your name and the praise rolls of his tongue so naturally, He struggles to get the words out, groaning and huffing as you could tell him release was coming close. You smirk, glad to be bringing him so much pleasure. His mind must be under the same fog yours endures. Denji frees your hair from his hand, bringing his chest down against your back, reaching a whole new angle as he picks up in speed.

His grip finds its way around your throat as he whispers sweet nothings in your ear. You feel a pressure building inside you, coming closer and closer to that pressure releasing with every pump. You feel light, your moans growing louder and louder, encouraging Denji to continue.

"A-Ah- Denji- I can't-" You begin, the words barely falling from your lips between your bodies colliding. He lets out a whine, his thrusts growing sloppier and sloppier. This doesn't matter, though, as you've already come so close to the edge of your climax.

"G-Go ahead. Cum for m-me, good girl~" This sends you over the edge the pressure finally releasing. Your breath quickens as the feeling washes over you. With a couple more thrusts, Denji pulls out of you, finishing on your thighs.

He lets go of your neck, only to wrap his strong arms around your waist as you both catch your breath. You see his tranquil expression in the mirror, eyes shut as his chest heaves. You can see yourself too, disheveled hair and marks across your neck. This was definitely more than your deal entailed, but you don't mind. You don't regret a single moment.

"Wow. That was... radical." Now he's back to being irritating. You roll your eyes, pushing him away from you as you search for where your towel went. He watches you tremble as you pick up your towel, wrapping yourself in it carefully. Your whole-body aches now, and you remember his cum dripping down your legs. You groan with annoyance, debating taking another shower to wash it, and the sweat, away.

"I hope you know this was a one-time thing. This won't happen again." You grumble. Despite your behavior, you were actually quite pleased. It was almost as if this washed away a weight of stress on your shoulders. Little did you know, this would most definitely not be a one-time thing.

"Y-Yeah. Right. Of course." He looks down, seemingly a bit disappointed. "...Was I... at least satisfactory?" He asks, a nervous grin on his face. He was definitely more than satisfactory. This was obvious with the way you shook as you walked. Still, you nodded. In some situations, a little praise was necessary to keep him motivated. This felt no different.

"Yes. You were... Satisfactory. Thank you, Denji." It felt awkward to say, and suddenly your mind brought you back to all the praise Denji had been whimpering in your ear. You blushed again, looking away from him as he began to dress himself again.

A comfortable silence filled the bathroom as he dressed himself, and you tried to clean yourself with some tissues. In a way, you were grateful for the cockroach showing up when it did. You were grateful that Denji happened to be home. You were grateful that Aki and Power were out. Just as you finished your thought, a loud pounding began at the bathroom door, and you jumped.

"Are you guys done fucking yet?!" Power's voice bellowed through the door. Your face grew pale as you flashed a shocked look at Denji. From the look he gave you, he also had no idea that Power was home. "I need to pee!"

"What the fuck Denji. I thought you said Power wasn't home!" You hiss, turning your attention to the door. "Be out soon Power! We weren't... We weren't doing that! Denji was just helping me with a cockroach!" You explain, which is half true.

Through the thin apartment walls, you hear Aki chuckle. Dear god, he was back already too? Denji is finally dressed, and you are wrapped in your towel when you open the door, met with a skeptical looking Power.

"You so totally were fucking. I could hear you!" She pushed past you and Denji, shoving you both out of the bathroom and slamming the door. You rack your brain for more excuses you could make, but then Aki appears at the end of the hall.

"We both could. These walls are quite thin, you know." He complains, looking you up and down. "Denji, your shirt buttons are unaligned." He sighs before meeting my eyes with an annoyed glint. "Y/N. Your neck." He turns, presumably making his way back to the kitchen he came from.

You shoot a look at Denji, who is nervously checking his shirt. You groan, brushing past him to get to your room. You just hope to God that news of this doesn't make its way to anyone else, especially not Makima.

[yonch]

it's been 15 years and you can see better than ever

(design notes under the cut) (there are spoilers)

ok this got really long. here you go

sif:

ditched the cloak. it was collecting dust in their closet until recently, but they realized they don't need to cling to their grief so much anymore. someone else will need it more soon.

ditched the eyepatch. the prosthetic eye is a labor of love designed by isa, as is literally everything else they're wearing.

they cut their bangs finally and started braiding their hair back so it wouldn't obscure their vision as much anymore.

they like darker/tighter clothing and prefer function over form but unfortunately their gay ass boyfriend keeps treating them like a dress up doll so they're stuck wearing waistcoats and a fancy cloak. (they don't mind. it's designed to look like loop.) they keep flowers in their many pockets to give to people.

they're a woodworker in their free time. they don't usually talk about being any sort of savior so he just becomes sif the guy who's really good at carving birthday presents for people and also tags along with isa to charity parties and fundraisers

41 year old 5'1" they/he absolutely zero intention of Changing. bonded to isabeau. they adopted a kid who leo or i might post about some other time i think. her name is estelle.

isa: i'm not taking credit for the design that's by my friend @fembard /@leoweooo. i'll include his design notes

isa dresses mostly for comfort, he doesn't like wearing stuff that might get stained or ruined when he's dyeing clothes or chasing stelle around in the mud or something, all his fashion sense goes into his handiwork

he Changed a few more times over the 15yrs, eventually settled. picked up she/her pronouns again on the side but was never really able to ditch the name isabeau and he kinda ran out of names anyways...

kept the long hair, kept a few inches in height, very happy to fulfill the role of male (space) wife

can't ditch the kimono jacket it's the piece de resistance. odile influence and Wisening Of Age means its made with a little more knowledge of ka buan technique but still very clearly an Isa Design. the fabric is imported silk sif!!!!!!

39 year old Tall with a capital T he/she "i swear i'm not a weeaboo i'm just really into ka buan fashion" vaugardian indie clothing designer in your area help support this man in his attempts to use his family members as living advertisements for his brand

mira: with design input from @jastertown thank you my friend

i took a lot of inspiration for the sparkly, sheer fabric on her dress from euphrasie. she's not head housemaiden yet because she doesn't feel like she's ready but everybody knows it'll be her

speaking of inspiration. she's been taking a lot of fashion cues from a certain lady in dormont that she thought was kind of scary, but it turns out she's very nice? they're besties now.

she got rid of the earrings for a little bit but then she realized she just liked how they look on her. so now they go ding ding! it's for her and nobody else, and that's how she likes it.

moved her ornaments to her skirt because they ding ding more often there. her necklace also jingles with merriment.

38 year old she/her advanced cisgender+ legend who's realizing that people are trying to get her to be the pope but all she really wants to do is write yaoibait fiction that looks like it came straight off of ao3

odile:

my glorious hag. she started shrinking about 3 years ago. all those years of bending over books has finally caught up to her. her hips are fuuuuuucked. but she has a sick cane that sif carved for her so everything's okay

she was already pretty comfortable and settled in her sense of style when she was nearing 50 so i don't think she would change much. darker clothing maybe. ditched the high-waisted pants for some looser slacks.

she's started writing a familytale of her own. the only person she's told about it is bonbon, who caught her up way past their bedtime, and scribbled all over one of the pages. she'll pass it on to sif when the time's right, after she's written down everything she can remember about their family.

64 year old she/her wasian researcher recovering from hernia surgery who's getting really into things like "political activism" and "body craft law reformation in ka bue" and "making sure people aren't sourcing their hrt from back alleys"

bonnie:

prefers to go by boniface these days. it's cooler. more mature. please stop calling me bonbon that's a nickname from when i was 10 guys c'mon guys ugh fine frin you can still call me bonbon but not around my girlfriends ok (nobody calls them boniface except for odile)

speaking of which they have 3 butch lesbian girlfriends. this got established as a joke but i think they have it in them. they're still young!!!!!!! they should be at the club!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

they traveled for a while with everybody but eventually settled down back in bambouche to start a little family owned restaurant with nille featuring dishes from all over the globe. people travel from all over to get a taste of boniface's good eats... bambouche is bustling. (they have a few recipes that are sourced from the country. they meet people every once in a while who find something achingly familiar about it, and they usually direct those people to jouvente to get in contact with frin.)

26 year old they/them "i dont know how tall i am but i'm taller than za" chef cooker whose restaurant keeps lighting on fire because this time i swear nille i can figure out how to do cooking craft i swear i wont explode the kitchen this time please i promise

loop:

ok. this is where lozy gets to just talk about what he thinks happens post game. i think they stick around for way longer than they really should and follow the crew around on their travels (mostly invisibly) because they're sooo fucking scared of change they're sooo scared and they're so scared of their wish fucking up beyond belief. they're kind of incapable of aging or dying in this body and theyre like permanently 26 which is what spurs them to finally move on.

i think they go back to their timeline eventually after making a Brand New Wish to "go back to their real family." alas the universe leads and we can only follow. and it turns out loop has actually made a real family in stardust's world also. this is my justification for why they can pop in between sasasap and isat worlds without much repercussion. i think they're always permanently loop shaped in isat but i imagine they can probably go back to their original body in their home timeline... might design that later. who knows. i'm fucked like that

i just think they deserve a chance for their own happy ending you know. isat's a game about how it's never too late to communicate and how you shouldn't punish yourself forever and ever. and i think theyve punished themself enough you know.

ok tank you for reading if you read this far. it's really big and long so i would understand if you didn't. but i hope you liked it. thoughts appreciated. here's a little something for the people who read all the way through.

[awhitegirlspassion]

'Snowbunny - a term that needs to be redefined!

As a young white woman who define myself as a 'snowbunny', but also used to struggle about being open and honest about my preference towards black men, I see a dire need to redefine the term 'snowbunny'!

When I see how the term 'snowbunny' is being used, I almost always see it in a sexual context where the term 'snowbunny' almost is a synonym for a sex-crazed white woman who focus merely on shallow physical desires. That's not what it means to me at all being a snowbunny and it honestly breaks my heart when people use it like this! To me, being a snowbunny means that I have a romantic and intimate preference towards black men. It means that I have the utmost and deepest respect for black men and black culture and that I see myself as a progressive young woman who has a deep emotional and romantic attraction towards black men. Of course this attraction also entails a physical attraction, but this is only a small part of the deep bond us snowbunnies share with black men.

I really think we need to redefine what it means to be a 'snowbunny', so that more young white women who have a preference towards black men can identify with- and feel comfortable coming out as 'snowbunnies'. The way we use the term today honestly alieanates many young women and thats such a shame! I used to date white boys when I was younger because I was afraid of being labelled as the type of girl who only focused on sex and physical attraction. I knew how my affection towards black men couldn't be trivialised and simplified to that, so I was afraid to call myself snowbunny. I think many white girls want to be open about their feelings about black guys and if we manage ro redefine the term 'snowbunny', I feel almost certain that we'll see WAY more young women coming out as 'snowbunnies'.

I KNOW that many young white women endure relationships with white boys because of how snowbunnies are being stigmatised and how it makes them feel miserable, unfulfilled and insecure! How do I know this? Because I used to be one of those girls and because I know many young women who hide their attraction towards black men because of the stigmatised perception poeple have! Today I'm a happy and proud snowbunny who are open about my feelings and I'm finally able to 'say no to white boys' and be the snowbunny I want to be!

I know this post won't change how people use the term 'snowbunny' over night, but I just felt I needed to put it out there to help other white women coming to terms with being a snowbunny and to feel comfortable and happy about how they feel. There are no shame in being a snowbunny just as there are no same in saying no to white boys!

Hugs and love from a passionate snowbunny

[chuwenjie]

Spider-Man: Across the Spiderverse comes out later today so I wanted to write a post reflecting on my journey and experience working on this movie. So many people have supported me through this and I am so thankful to each and every one of you!

Text version of this post under the cut:

Spiderman: Across the Spiderverse comes out tonight. It feels really weird to be typing that out right now. I worked on the movie as a visdev artist for the last 2.5 years, from 2020 to 2023. Long post incoming.

There are a lot of reasons why I'd consider this film to be one of the most ambitious animated films to ever be made. As artists, we were asked to push ourselves far beyond our comfort zones and do things that had never been done before in animation.

Every time we reached a point where most people would say "this must possibly be as creative and weird as it gets," our entire team of artists and animators would smash right through the ceiling. The driving direction for the visuals of the film was to push the limits of every single frame; to challenge audience expectations and make something truly original.

The best thing about this film was that there wasn't a single boring day working on this movie. The hardest thing about this film was also that there wasn't a single boring day working on this movie.

There were times while working on this where the imposter syndrome hit me hard. This was my first big movie, and what a hell of a first movie to get thrust into.

I came in only a few years out of school with absolutely no idea what the hell I was doing. I constantly feared that someone had made a mistake in bringing me onto this film, and I was going to let everyone down. There was a solid chunk of those 2.5 years where I wasn't sure if animation was the right path for me.

If there's anything I could tell my past self it would be this: there are so many people who love you and believe in you. There will be a time when you get to stand on the other side of it, look back on everything and see how far you came.

I'm still working on self-acceptance every day (it will be a lifelong struggle, I'm sure), but I'm glad I didn't give up on myself. I'm proud of myself and my contributions to this film, and I'm certain that this movie will continue to change and shape the animation landscape just as the first one did. That's truly a special feeling to have been a part of. I am so incredibly grateful to every single person who helped me along this journey.

Here come the thanks:

To the ENTIRE visdev & art crew- it's been an honor getting to work alongside each and every one of you. My jaw is literally still on the floor from seeing your incredible talent day after day.

I want to thank Tiffany and Felicia especially for being there for me through tough times- I admire and respect you both so much as artists, and even better than that, my life is greatly enriched for being able to call you my friends.

Thank you Patrick and Dean for taking chances on me, teaching me so much about art and what I'm capable of, and encouraging me along the way. To Aymeric, your art is one of the reasons I initially became interested in animation and you have been one of the kindest & most empathetic mentors I could ever have asked for.

I want to thank my wonderful parents for believing in me always and raising me into the person I am today: everything I do in life is to make you proud. To my brother Andrew who is perpetually awake at 3 AM when I need someone to talk to- thank you for always picking up the phone and making me laugh.

And finally to my partner Luke for making me grilled cheeses on all of the difficult days, for never getting sick of me even when all I would ever talk about was work, and for patiently and steadfastly loving me throughout this entire thing. I don't think I could've done it without you.

Starting tomorrow I will begin posting and sharing some of the art I made for this movie; I'm looking forward to sharing some of my personal favorites with you. I hope each and every one of you enjoys Spiderman: Across the Spiderverse when it hits theaters later today!

[transfaguette]

the transmasc discourse confuses me a lot... i feel like theoretically a trans man COULD experience male privilege but only if he were to pass well and/or be stealth. so i see it as conditional. but, that also confuses me because by that logic, couldn't any stealth trans person experience cis privilege by passing and hiding their identity? is it privilege if you have to lie for your own safety? would a gay person who never speaks of their identity be able to have straight privilege? i ask these questions genuinely but i feel stupid for not knowing the answers. maybe tumblr is just a bad place to have these discussions in the first place

I think the foundational assumptions we need to reevaluate in this argument are

that the privilege that really matters is not being seen as a man in passing by strangers, but the ability to unconditionally move through the world as a cis person. Like, being a passing trans man doesn't mean much when you are incarcerated or need to seek healthcare or employers do background checks. Maybe a stealth trans man is treated better by his misogynistic boss, but to even be in those career scenarios is way harder to achieve for trans people in general!!!

that experiencing privilege is a bad thing that taints you as a person, which is especially treated as the case primarily for trans people! Fear that trans women "don't know what its like to be a woman" (according to cis womens standards), that certain nonbinary people are too male, that trans men are misogynists. its actually a pretty rancid double standard that isn't applied to perisex cis people, the actual benefactors of that privilege, lol. The stealth trans man in the work place or the trans woman that did not know she was trans for 50 years of her career, are not evil for possibly being given preferential treatment for presenting male. I think thats an extremely bad and individualistic view of privilege and what it actually means, and it's pointless. It just doesn't matter and I see it as an excuse to paint trans people as aggressors. its bad when radfems and transphobes do it and its bad when trans people do it to each other too.

we are talking about male privilege because it's the vocabulary of cis feminism, which is so devoid of the context of trans people lives. What's really relevant when talking about trans people is cis privilege. Because otherwise we fall into the transphobic narrative that trans people get to experience the "best of both worlds" and cis women are the only "true, pure" victims. when obviously the reality is that fundamentally being trans is harder than being a cis woman or man.

anyways. I'm glad you sent this ask because i think about this a lot also.

[a-substantial-trash-pile]

mouthwashing responsibility au rambles below cut 🫡

(spoiler warning for the actual game obviously)

- even though jimmy got deservedly knocked out by anya and thrown into the cryopod early on, the crash still does happen. it's a freak accident this time, like maybe a piece of space debris just happened to hurtle right into them without time to dodge. it's like the tulpar is destined to crash. but this time it's a story about a group of people finding hope and strength in each other and finding what they themselves can be capable of in a time of crisis. btw i just mean curly, anya, swansea, and daisuke. i am NOT repenting jimmy. he ain't "fixing" shit.

- i'm sorry for frying curly again even though this is supposed to be an au with a happier ending 😭 the way his loss of autonomy reflects anya's own loss of it, making him feel firsthand the suffering she went through in a way, felt too important to just remove. curly's injuries aren't as terrible as in the original timeline since swansea rescued him earlier. and by "not as terrible" i mean he only loses a leg and not all of his limbs. he will get some function in his hands eventually and anya teaches him sign language to help him communicate (she teaches the others too).

- speaking of anya, she really shows her stuff as a nurse (even in the original timeline she does, managing to keep curly alive like that). she treats curly and swansea and is much more of a pillar of strength for the crew than she herself realizes. pre-crash and post-jimmy-getting-fired, she was able to relax and open up more with everyone, building a stronger bond. when the crash happens, anya is of course terrified and hella stressed, but now she knows she has people who have her back, and it helps. she can be more confident in herself without a certain someone being there to belittle and hurt her. this time when she has to deal with something difficult, something traumatizing, she has people to support her. in this au, she is not pregnant because if she was, i don't see how keeping the baby would be a good thing for her. and i don't want her to have to deal with that situation without the proper medical supplies on top of everything else. she's been through enough.

- btw there is no shipping in this au. i personally really don't see how it could happen between anyone on the crew. if there was some sort of spark between anya and curly, it's definitely gone now and won't happen again. the most they'll be are friends (although the friendship/trust will have to be built from the ground up again after everything that's happened with jimmy). the only ship here is the tulpar.

- i know daisuke is seen as a "dumb kid" but i really don't think that's the case. we are seeing him thru jimmy's perspective mostly after all and jimmy is the definition of an unreliable narrator. i headcanon daisuke as having adhd like me who tends to lose focus on tasks easily because your brain is just going 102929 miles a minute and wandering to all sorts of places like me. he feels like someone who doesn't exactly know where they want to go in life like me. also he's definitely a hawaii kid born and raised and talks pidgin sometimes like me except i lost the pidgin :(. i'm totally not projecting my asian ass on the asian boy or anything. BUT ANYWAY i wanted to give daisuke more stuff to do and a chance to prove to himself that he can do these things, he can step up. so that's partially why i made swansea burn his hands rescuing curly. daisuke can now be filled with Determination and be swansea's hands in repairing things as he heals. it's going to be hard and it's going to be frustrating for both parties and sometimes they'll get upset at each other. but it will inevitably be a great bonding experience for the two. i cannot resist the call for more father-son moments.

- swansea my beloved. i am so sorry for burning your beautiful hands please forgive 😔🙏 i have to make my faves suffer a little. swansea's hands will heal up eventually and he'll be able to use them again, but there will be scars. i think him having to guide daisuke with doing repairs n stuff on the ship as his hands recover gives him a mission. something to distract him from completely falling into despair and alcoholism. that man is hanging on by a thread but by god he's going to help get these kids through this. they've all grown closer since jimmy was sacked and swansea feels a sort of responsibility towards protecting anya, daisuke and curly as the oldest one there. it's the dad instincts y'know? on the real hard days, sometimes swansea thinks about cracking open a bottle of mouthwash, but he holds back because he feels he needs to stay strong for the crew. however he does have to learn that he can't shoulder everything and that he can rely on others. him having no choice but to have daisuke take over his tasks is a good way for him to learn that, i think. swansea is definitely a pillar of strength in this and the rest of the crew have a lot of affection for him (and vice versa even if swansea won't admit it). can you tell i really like swansea. he is such a foil to jimmy—a guy who has fucked up a lot in his life but actually acknowledges his mistakes and is trying his hardest to be a better person. aghh swansea i love you 💛💛

- after the crash happens, the cryopod room becomes inaccessible, so nobody is able to check on the state of jimmy in there. so they don't see that the crypod he's in eventually fails from damage and he escapes. this happens a couple weeks into the crash. jimmy is still pissed about everything and still can't see how he's done anything wrong (this is because he is a delusional asshole). in fact, he feels like he's the one who's been wronged and betrayed by everyone on the crew and he wants revenge. there will be a final confrontation between jimmy and the crew. spoilers: jimmy loses. i'm just undecided on who finishes it. it would be fitting if anya shot him, but i'm not sure that's something she'd necessarily want to do. she chose to be in the medical field after all. don't get me wrong, i think she would pull the trigger if it meant protecting the others. but i'd hate to have her kill, because even if jimmy deserves it, anya is a healer and would still probably feel guilty about it. i don't want to put even more shit on her plate. so i think swansea is the one to put jimmy down in the end. with the axe of course. i think he'd feel less guilty about doing it because it's something he's wanted to do since anya first told him about jimmy. oooh what if jimmy gets his hands on the gun, but daisuke tackles him, making him drop it, and anya gets it and shoots jimmy in the shoulder or leg or something to get him off of daisuke, and then swansea comes in with the axe to finish him off. that could be fun. that way anya won't have to actually kill but she'll still get to shoot jimmy. bless.

- the crew gets rescued eventually, but it's going to be a few months because pony express is a nightmare company. i'm honestly still not sure if pony express is even the one who will rescue them or even bother to look. i'm tempted to just have another ship happen across them by some miracle and help. real tempted to make that ship The Unreliable and turn this into a Mouthwashing x The Outer Worlds crossover quite honestly since both settings share similarities (megacorporations, cryosleep, etc). but idk. it's not like i can just write a fanfic or anything since writing is harder for me and who knows how long it will be before i even draw the idea. it's just yet another self-indulgent daydream for now.